thanks, everyone. I am clinging to your hugs today more than you know.
love,
essie
Ghost of Esmeralda
JoinedPosts by Ghost of Esmeralda
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17
Today's the Day :(
by Ghost of Esmeralda in"i can't wait for night to fall.
i can't wait for day to fade.
i can't wait for the dark to extinquish the sun, .
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17
Today's the Day :(
by Ghost of Esmeralda in"i can't wait for night to fall.
i can't wait for day to fade.
i can't wait for the dark to extinquish the sun, .
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Ghost of Esmeralda
"I can't wait for night to fall.
I can't wait for day to fade.
I can't wait for the dark to extinquish the sun,
The light is too harsh on my face.
I'm too wounded to live in the daylight,
On a day that can't be relived, or replaced.
There's no way not to miss what I'm missing,
nowhere I can go to escape.
I just want today to be over
I don't want to hurt anymore
today she marries, and I won't be there,
so in the darkness, let me be alone.
I just want today to be over
I don't want to hurt anymore,
let the night come, let the light die.
forbid the moon and stars to shine, close the door.
she marries today, and I won't see it,
...but the child of my heart, I will always adore."
I was half awake this morning when I scrawled that on a piece of scrap paper, and I don't remember getting the words down.
My favorite cousin is marrying today, in a few hours. my daughter will be there, and she is torn over it. She's only seven, and it is so hard for her to go knowing everyone in the family will be there but me.
She said she didn't want me to be sad. I told her that I couldn't help it, that everyone gets sad sometimes. That she shouldn't feel bad about going, after all, she was invited. But I can see the sadness in her eyes, and she keeps saying "mom, this isn't right."
They all know it's not right, the whole family knows, whether they will admit it or not. I just wonder how many more years will have to pass, how many more events I'll have to miss, before it will ever stop hurting so much.
I can't even cry anymore. There may be no tears left.
~essie
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32
You might think that I need help that I have been brain washed.
by garybuss inthis was in my e-mail this morning.
******the reason why you left the truth, the truth and not the "truth" like you people believe, is because you have no humility and no love.
when people like you commit something wrong and get disfellowship you can't say to yourself "i was wrong, i messed up, me and only me," you can't say that because is much easier to go around blaming others for your own mistakes.
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Ghost of Esmeralda
Hey Gary,
I agree with everybody else, I think this person is terrified by what they're reading. They doth protest too much...with the "nothing could ever make me leave." How many here once said the same thing? Many, I'd bet.
Not me, LOL but many!
She/he's threatened by the facts, as most people who want to cling to lies are, and as the facade of truth chips away, seeing the real world beneath gets more and more scary and makes them lash out like a cornered animal. Fortunately, this place will be here when they need to talk, and are ready to make the transition.
Sorry to go offtopic, my private messaging isn't working: Thirdson, I'd love to hear from you! I have thought of you often. My e mail is [email protected], please drop a note when you can, if you'd like.
~Essie
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38
What is wrong with my family?
by Nickey ini love my family.
but i've been stressed and depressed because of them.
and i just need to gain some understanding.. being raised in a jw family laid alot of pressure and guilt on me.
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Ghost of Esmeralda
Of course NY is a filthy, disgusting place. That's why the WT chose it as it's world HQ. In ancient times I'm sure they would have located in the thriving metroplex of Sodom/Gomorrah.
ROFLMAO!!! That has to be the quote of the year. I was just about to comment that if it was such a horrible place why is Bethel there, but DFWnonJW said it better than I would have!
Now, Nickey, honey, first of all you are not crazy. As somebody already said, your family are JW's, that is what the matter is with them.
When I decided I had to divorce my ex husband, my family went on an all out preaching campaign, told me I was making a horrible mistake, etc. etc. I stayed the course knowing that I was doing what I had to do, and today, they are all in a terrible state of crisis with my 'standing' because they know I did the right thing.
They have finally seen a glimpse of the way my ex really is, (though they don't know the HALF of it) and I know that several of them thought that he should be the one df'd not me, and that the situation was handled all wrong by the Elders (which, it was).
Point is, they're trying to control you and are going to pull every trick in the book, push all your buttons, guilt you, make you cry. Believe me, I've been there. They still try, (those that still speak to me, that is) it very rarely gets to me anymore.
I'm a mom, and I don't know if I'd want my daughter going to NY alone. But that's the mother in me. If you were going with someone else, I'd feel better about it. If you do decide to go, be careful and listen to your instincts. Common sense will get you far in life.
The bottom line is, no matter how much they tell you you're a child, it's not true. You've passed the age of legal adulthood, they really can't prevent you from doing what you want.
But they can make you go out on your own, and if you're not in a finantial position to do that, you may want to get into one before really asserting your independence so that you can be ready when they say it's 'my way or the highway'.
My advise...get some schooling if you can, or at least get a job and start saving. Make sure you can take care of yourself, and you'll be on your way, and in a position to claiming your own, adult life.
(((((((((((((((Nickey)))))))))))))))))))) I feel for you so much. I was once where you are...I hope you find lots of support here, please know that I care!
~Essie
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13
Did you fear the elders more than God?
by JH indid you fear the elders more than god?.
i think that the members of the congregation were afraid of being caught by the elders if they done something wrong.
but on the other hand they felt close to god and asked forgiveness if they done something wrong.. i think that there was an exagerated fear of the elders, as if they were equal to god.. what do you think, in a way, did you fear the elders more than god?.
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Ghost of Esmeralda
I agree, I think that most Witnesses do fear the elders more than any divine retrobution they may be subject to for what they do. But even more than that, I think they fear being 'found out', the public humiliation, gossip, character assassination and most of all being disfellowshipped and cut off from their families and friends if they leave the organization or do anything "wrong".
If you honestly think about it, what is going to keep people in the organization anymore if not fear? With all the things that they have waffled on or outright changed (the 'generation thing is just one) it can't be clear, concrete doctrines you can put your faith in!
It's certainly not the intellectually stimulating Bible lectures, or a heartfelt connection between the "teachers" and students. It's not the kind 'loving' fellowship, and the understanding, concern and protection for abuse victims. It's not the peace of mind that comes with knowing that your trusted ministers are going to truly guard your soul as a treasured member of Christ's flock, and heaven knows it isn't the "joy" of the door to door ministry!
Fear is all they have. They do all they can to keep people terrified and hypervigilent, on a "high alert" status that leaves them so exhausted they don't have the physical or emotional energy to follow through on the questions that nag them about what they're hearing at the Kingdom Hall. And the knowledge that they have deep down inside that the people who are supposed to be representing a loving and understanding God have totally missed the mark.
You're right JH, it's about control.
It's no wonder so many JW's are unhealthy, their bodies can't tell the difference between real impending danger and the "Great day of God Almighty" which has been "just around the" longest "corner" in the history of mankind. Living on that kind of adrenaline all the time is very bad for you.
I never was more afraid of the elders than God, maybe that's why I was finally able to leave the organization.
I guess I always believed too that if there really was a loving heavenly Father that He would have to be wise enough to know that I'm imperfect, that I did the best I could in bad situations, and that I just couldn't live my whole life wishing I were already dead.
Great question, JH. I hope it gets lots of lurkers thinking.
Life is just too short to live it as a slave to men.
~Es
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39
My dear wife
by larc inas many of you know, my wife had a stroke back in september.
i was so happy that over 80 people sent us public and private e-mails.
some sent flowers and one person sent a gift.
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Ghost of Esmeralda
oh my god, Larc, I had no idea that happened I'm so glad she's doing better (((((((((((((((Larc and Jan))))))))))))) Sending big, healing hugs to both of you...
hugs
essie
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8
My essays are back up on the web
by Ghost of Esmeralda inthank you very much to angharad for posting a link to my site already, sorry to repeat the info in another post, begging your forgiveness :).
i just didn't know if people would realize that it was my site since i didn't put my username in the title.... www.ghostwriter.homestead.com.
this is a collection of essays i've written in the past 3 years on my experiences leaving/since leaving the borg, with more to be added as soon as i can find the time...hope they can help some of the 'newly-outs'.. thanks again everyone for your support.
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Ghost of Esmeralda
Sure, LadyLee, I would be honored if you'd link my site to yours. When I set up my new links page (hopefully this weekend) I will add yours there as well.
I was just reading your article on "Social Death" and disfellowshipping, that is such a perfect term for it. I have told my husband (who was never a JW and can't fathom the whole shunning thing) that it's a very, very unnatural, bizarre thing to see friends and relatives and have them walk past you, as if you weren't there, as if you were already dead. Maybe that's why I feel like just a ghost of myself lately.
It's like mourning a death, every time you have to go through missing important family events, weddings funerals, the birth of children...
I look forward to reading more of your website, I've bookmarked it now.
big hugs,
essie
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19
Pondering my mortality
by wednesday ini just saw my doc today b/c i have had overwhelming fatigue and shortness of breath this week.
she thinks i either have congestive heart failure,or a blood clot has formed after my recent surgery, or both.
while i was there the office ast.
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Ghost of Esmeralda
(((((((((((Wednesday))))))))))))
I'm so sorry to hear about your health problems :(
Please don't apologize for anything...shock is where any of us would be in your place right now. Your feelings are perfectly normal...
I had a big health event about 2 weeks after I was df'd, I was exposed to a chemical at work and it caused a very serious problem with my asthma.
As I was passing out and my coworkers were wondering what was taking the ambulance so long to get there, I suddenly thought that I might be dying, very quickly, at the age of 26. I remember that I thought of a couple things.
I thought 1) that I was sorry most of all that i wouldn't get to raise my daughter and that I hoped her grandparents would look out for her 2) that i wasn't sorry i'd gone away for the weekend with my boyfriend a month before (the episode which led to my df'ing) and 3) i didn't regret anything. If I had stopped breathing then, my last memory would have been a good one, of the safety and love I had experienced in the arms of the man I loved. Amazing, that I had no guilt or worries about JW issues or anything else...the things that mattered to me in my life were suddenly crystal clear.
When I came to in the ER, I vowed that I was never, ever going to waste another day, and that I would always be sure the people in my life knew I loved them, even if they wouldn't see me (I have since made sure I had the chance to tell them all that, one way or another, to their faces). That event led to me and my boyfriend (soon fiance) moving our wedding up a year, not wanting to waste a single day.
That event changed the way that I have lived every single day since. And, when I nearly lost my Dad suddenly, with no warning a couple years ago, then we nearly lost my husband's mother suddenly, without warning days later (they were in ICU at the same time in different states)...well lets just say that I was reminded all over again that in a moment, life can change dramatically, or be gone, for any of us.
My point is this...if you can, try to learn from those thoughts that raced through your mind in those moments of fear. Get treated, do all you can to get as healthy as possible...I know people who have had congestive heart problems and lived for years and years with proper treatment...and then waste as little time as possible on looking back, or feeling down, or thinking about what you've lost to the Borg.
It sounds like you've been through a lot lately already...surgery and all. Please think of all you've gotten through already,(it shows how strong you really are!)and try, if at all possible, to go into treating this new challenge with a positive attitude. Attitude makes a HUGE difference in the effectiveness of treatment...and please keep us posted on how you're doing.
I will keep you in my thoughts...and hope for a good outcome from all your testing...
(((((((((((Wednesday))))))))))))))))
big hugs,
Essie
ps hope this makes sense, it's way past my bedtime...
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24
How Do YOU Help New Ones and Lurkers Here at JWD???
by minimus ini think we all share an obligation to help "newbies" and "lurkers" on this forum.one way i try to help is by asking questions that they might be more inclined to think about while in their position.
do you post here with these new ones and lurkers in mind or do you primarily post to share association with friends that you already have?
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Ghost of Esmeralda
hey there minimus...
I always, always posted with the lurkers in mind. And I got e mail, tons of it, from them back in my earlier days here. So much i could hardly answer it all (i still feel bad about that! I tried my best!!!)
the biggest decision i've made recently to try to help the newbies and lurkers was to put the stuff i've written back up on the web. it was a hard decision, taking the site down and everything had been very theraputic for me, but now that i find myself 'relapsing' back into the muck that my JW family tries to pull me back into, i figure the best way to help myself is to try to help somebody else.
i remember just feeling so alone back when i was a newbie. then folks reached out to me, enabling me to reach out to others. that is the thing i think is most important; and the idea of the lurkers being skittish and easily spooked is the reason i think, and think again, about every single word i'm going to post.
thanks to everyone who helped me when i was a newbie...and to the lurkers out there, please know that people care. that's why many of us are drawn back here...
~essie
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20
meetings
by GirlOnFence inhow many of you, go to the occasional meeting?
i no longer believe any of the things i was raised to believe... but for some reason i still go to the occasional meeting and i even went to the special assembly last weekend (even though i got there after lunch).
i guess it will take a while to completely break away but i was wondering if anyone else is in this situation.
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Ghost of Esmeralda
Welcome, Girl on fence! (I look like a newbie but i'm not, new username, I've made more than 700 posts under my original one)
I've only been in a hall once in the past five years, that was to attend a memorial service. I have never had the desire to go back...guess I heard enough of it in my first 25 years to last me a lifetime.
I'm in my early thirties now, it's been, oh, what, almost eight years since I attended on a regular basis (that long!) and I don't miss it a bit. When I stopped going, I just up and quit. I was considered 'inactive' for a good long while before more drastic 'leaving' happened.
To reinforce how little I miss it, I happened to hear part of a meeting recently at my mother's house, she turned on the phone line thing while we were there (which I wasn't expecting). Just hearing a few moments of it made me nauseated, which lasted for two days afterward.
So I can't go back to the hall. I'd most likely toss my cookies on their lovely (HA) carpeting.
Eventually, you'll be ready to get down off the fence. Believe me, sitting on it is more painful than actually picking a side.
(((((((((((((((onthefence)))))))))))))) my heart goes out to you!
~Essie